on my own.

Recently, I've been going through a lot of changes in my life. Relationships changing and things coming to light that I thought weren't there at all. That is both a good and bad thing. God has told me that I've entered into a season where I need to focus on myself and the specific plans He has for me. That doesn't mean that I need to become self-centered, that just means that I need to focus on Him, and what He wants me to do. It wasn't easy getting here, but I honestly feel incredibly free. It's me and my Abba, simple as that. The song I posted below is from one of my favorite songs at the moment by an amazing powerhouse named Tori Kelly. I absolutely love her song Dear No One because it perfectly describes where I'm at right now. I'm at a place now where I'm starting to get a deeper understanding of the future plans that God has for me. Not everyone in this world is going to like some things I do or choices I make, but honestly, I choose Jesus and what He thinks about me. That beats anything anyone else tries to make me believe. The people who truly love & care about me will be by my side, helping me navigate through these times of transition. I'm not saying that this is a cake walk by any means, because it isn't. There are definitely days where you end up just sitting down and crying out of nowhere. But, I know that in the future, I'm going to look back at this time and know that it was totally worth it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njmCUJ94lUM

transition.

hello all. I apologize for not posting for a while. every time that I would sit down to try to put a post together, nothing concrete would come out of it. these past few weeks, I've come to the realization that change is always happening. sometimes we don't think we are prepared for it, but God wouldn't throw something at us if we weren't ready for it. right now, I'm experiencing the struggle of people walking out of your life when you thought they had your back. It's not a fun situation at all. But, I can tell that God is using this situation to make me stronger. I've always been the type of person who wants to include everyone and not let anyone feel lonely. That can get tricky sometimes. Thankfully, God has given me a support system to talk to & pray with. God created us for community, but He never said it would be a walk in the park. Relationships are a two way street and require both people to work at it. You also can't only have one friend. It's possible to have a couple genuine, real best friends. It's all a very complex thing and can get very frustrating. God will lead us in the right direction and we, as His children, need to allow ourselves to follow Him, regardless of what we think is right. If I were to title these past 3 months, I would call it "in transition". I know God is leading me into a new season of rest and growth. He's showing me who I can truly rely on and trust, so when I begin entering into this new season, I will know who He wants me to have by my side. I've conquered a lot of things in my life already, and I know I'm going to conquer many more things in the future. The only way I was able to conquer it was by the supernatural strength that God has given me. I am so excited for the future God has for me. I'm going to run after it and give it all that I have. 

trying to let it go.

well, the whole loneliness issue i dealt with a few months ago is starting to come back into play in the wonderful game called my life. i guess things just aren't exactly ideal at the moment. people think that they know what's best for me and that they should make decisions for me. but the truth is, the decisions i make are my decisions. if i have to make any huge decision, i always make sure God is the one leading the path, even if it's not what i want at the moment. we went through boxes of my dad's things this past weekend and it really shook me up. sometimes things just don't go as planned, and those are the moments where your faith is most tested. i can feel the enemy trying to get at me. he's speaking lies in my head to where it's just making me feel crazy. one of my closest friends has been distant lately. she's been spending most of her time with her other friend. it would take a lot for that to upset me regularly, but something about that has really got to me. school continues to be a struggle. the one friend i do have, i never get to really see and that makes it even more tough. i'm trying to figure this all out, and the only way that i can truly do that successfully, is if i give it all to God. to completely let everything go and trust that He, the provider and healer, will take care of everything.  it's way harder than it actually sounds. people at school think that i don't have anything to say and that i'm just this perfect little church girl. i'm here to tell you that statement is far from true. i mess up...a lot. i guess what sets me apart from people at my school is that i rely totally and completely on God. i ask Him for clarity and wisdom. most of the kids at my school either don't care or don't understand what God's about. believe me, i'm trying each and every day to change that. i just ask for your continued prayers as i continue to make my way through junior year. it's been a rough few weeks and i'm trying to let go of all my pain & hurt. 

decisions.

"i thought you said it was easy listening to your heart. i thought you said i'd be okay, so why am i breaking apart? i don't wanna be torn."

that lyric is so true. sometimes you're at a crossroad, and no matter what road you choose, someone you care about deeply is going to get hurt. that is a hard situation. i tend to worry about what everyone else wants, not always what i want. i'm always making sure everyone else is okay before i worry about myself. that is not always a good thing to do. i'm trying to figure out a lot right now, and i've just been praying for clarity. i feel like i need to change some areas in my life, because there's more harm than good in those situations. the first and most important thing to do in situations like this are of course to pray and ask God for clarity. after that, you just need to make sure you don't make an illogical or spur the moment decision that you'll regret later. that never ends well. sometimes you just need to trust that God will ultimately have your back and whatever decision you make, he'll guide you through it. 

reflection.

as i'm preparing to start my junior year of high school, i wanted to reflect & look back on this summer and everything that took place. summer 2013 was not at all what i thought it was going to be. it had definite ups and downs, but i've grown tremendously. 3 months ago, i thought i knew who my real friends were & what my priorities were but now, i realized that those were simply my thoughts, not what God really had in store. i've had to say goodbye to people that i didn't think i ever would have to, and i've grown apart from others. but i've also made some amazing new friends, and i've gotten super close to others. God has also given me new opportunities to expand my worship leading, and that has given me such joy & new found confidence. through those opportunities, I've really been sensing that there is a very specific call on my life. i'm excited to find out more from God on what all he has in store for me. something that has really been a blessing this summer is that i've gotten to spend it with my best friend Krista. it's crazy how 3 years ago, we did not even know each other. but, she's my person. when it boils down to it, we spend every single day together and it's amazing. i've also loved interning under the communications team at my church. it's been the best thing ever. i guess the main thing that this summer has taught me is that people may walk in and out of my life, but my God will always be there to love and support me through anything.

so, here's to you, summer 2013. it's been quite a wild ride but we made it through. 

finally.

she gets in the car, thinking that it'll be another day at work. there will be more copies to be made, more things to be folded, and more tasks to accomplish. but all the sudden, things change. little does she know, she has a huge surprise in store for her. she has lunch with her two best friends, and as they're driving back, they take a detour. she loves going to this park with all these pretty flowers and gorgeous scenery. they pull into the parking lot and they walk down to the park. as they are about to walk into the main part of the park, her friends stop her and tell her that there's something waiting for her. she's walk down the path and looks around. she turns around and finally...there he is. she had been wondering what he was going to do when he asked her. but, she had no idea it would be like this. they sit in a little gazebo next to each other. the sky is clear and the sun is shining bright. she looks at him and can see that he's a little nervous. she smiles and he begins to talk to her. they talk and finally, he jumps. he takes a risk. he finally tells her how he feels. she looks at him and she tells him that he feels the same. her heart races a million beats a minute and they hug. finally, the girl who thought she'd always finish last...didn't. 

well, i'm happy to tell you that the story above isn't a made-up story or beautiful idea. it's real. it happened. for the longest time, i had put what i thought i wanted before what i actually wanted. i pushed away someone that i actually needed a whole lot. after praying and praying about this, i felt God give me a clear cut path on what to do. ever since this happened this week, things have just been so good. God has just restored my joy and has given me so much peace. i'm excited for my future and what God has in store for my life. :)

genuine friends.

in life, sometimes you experience some heart break and some pain. last night, i had a hard conversation with someone very close to me. it caused a lot of heartache and pain. it was one of the hardest phone calls that i've ever had. it felt like i was trying to breathe underwater. but you know what God did in this situation? he had this all happen while 4 of the most amazing, loyal friends in the entire world were hanging out at my house. they just loved on me and spoke words of life into me. this just goes to show you how much the Father adores his kids and is always providing for us. God promises us that he will help us. Romans 15:13 says "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust Him. then, you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." He also says in Isaiah 46:4, "I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you." God won't let us crash and burn. He loves us too much to let that happen. Even though my heart is fragile right now, I know I'll be okay. God's love is enough. It's truly enough. God puts people in our lives for different reasons, and last night proved that. it didn't make the pain any less hard, but it definitely helped me process it all. plus, we had an amazing night together. we played a very intense game of croquet, made skillet cookies with a partner and we could only use 1 hand each, had a crazy Wii tournament, danced outside to loud music, and laughed the whole time. thank you guys for loving me and being there no matter what :) i love you all so much. you all are such a blessing in my life. 

restoration.

well, the release of joy and restoration that i've been praying for finally has come. last night, my church had a worship and prayer night with this amazing band called The Neverclaim. their main leader Jeremiah, really spoke to me. after his sermon, he had us all stand and grab hands with the people next to us. we all began singing How He Loves, and God just began to restore my confidence and joy that i had been lacking. he gave me a vision of my future and what it may hold. i began to cry because of how good it felt that i was finally back to where i belong. Jeremiah encouraged everybody to just sing their own song to God and the entire room was just singing out in the Spirit. i felt heaven & earth collide and it was a breathtaking moment. i guess it's all a part of God's timing. things don't always go exactly how you think they would, but at the end of the day, God knows what is best for you. i feel like if you are in need of restoration in your life, whether it's joy or identity or even a relationship, i just encourage you to completely surrender your heart to God and to trust in Him. it's very hard to let your guard down, but in order for you to completely give your all to God, you have to do it. 

worship lyrics. :)

i wrote these a few days ago. they're not exactly perfect, but they're on my heart. i felt God speak very powerfully to write a song about my youth group and having it be sort of like "our anthem". i haven't got a melody set to it yet, but i'm hoping i will eventually. :)


{untitled} 

verse one

our hope is in You
You hold us together in Your hands
when the darkness rises, it has to flee
because You know our destiny


chorus

we are the rising generation
we're coming fast and we're burning bright
we wanna dance and sing to You our King
we are Yours, and we're not afraid
let us sing, let us sing to You our King


verse two

pain has no place
because of Your amazing grace 
we have no fear
because You are here


bridge

we will dance, we will sing
because You gave us Your everything
we're coming alive in You

you showed me there's more, that i got more in store, and i got you.

"I wait in the rain but I don’t complain because I wait for you. I don’t feel pain, you’re like novocain, and I got you. it was always you, it was always you. time and time again, I thought that the end was just around the bend. but you showed me there’s more, I got more in store, and you've got me. it was always you." - always you, ingrid michaelson

what do you do when you have a relationship with someone, but someone very close to them really doesn't like you? that's been my struggle lately. it's makes you feel like you are the problem. you're not good enough in their eyes. it's hard because it feels like they're taking air out of your lungs. i'm just trying to figure out what the correct answer is. do you tell the person that their friend doesn't like you and risk them getting hurt, or do you just try and make do with the situation? i don't know. it's just a hard decision. for me, at the end of the day, the person means the world to me. i'd do anything for him. he's my best friend. he's always been there no matter what crappy things the enemy's thrown at us to tear us apart. i put the above song lyrics because that has been a very relevant song in my life lately. the words are so true and accurate to my life, at the moment. i've been praying and praying about what to do with all of this. i'm just not making a decision, until i know that it's what God wants me to do. but right now, nothing is exactly clear. it's all kinda blurry. but i know that in this time, i will find clarity. i'm just trusting that God has my back and that he's gonna take control of this relationship, wherever it may go. i just need to be patient and trust that. 

waiting.

hello all. sorry it's been awhile since i last wrote. i thought it was time for an update. i've been doing a lot this summer so far. it's only week 2, but it feels like it's not even been that. the thing i hate about waiting for something is when you finally get there, and it isn't what you expected it to be. there was a huge event that happened with someone very close to me, and it threw me for a loop. i guess things are never exactly what you imagine, but that's sometimes better in the long run. but at the time, it's nothing but inconvenient. i guess that's part of waiting. 2 of my best friends are kinda slipping away and i don't know what to do about it. i keep praying that things get better, but i'm doubtful. i think we're all growing and changing at different rates. but, Krista is always by my side. no matter what, she's always there for me and i love her dearly. i'll just continue to pray and God will take control. 

tired of being tired.

there comes a point where you begin to get tired of being tired. that's where i'm at currently. my last day of finals is tomorrow and i'm just so ready for it to be over with. i've just began to feel weak and tired. things just are so wishy-washy right now, i don't even know what's real or what's not. there are these guys that all think it's funny to make jokes at me and make me feel like garbage. they don't even realize how bad it hurts when they always criticize me. i'm just sick of them always doing that to me. i know they're not speaking truth into me and i know not to believe the lies, but it makes it difficult to not let them get to me. i'm just in need of a new start and a new beginning. that's what i'm hoping this summer will be. they all act like they have it all together and that they're superior, but honestly, they all come across as jerks who don't care about anyone but themselves. i'm not saying they don't have any worth, i'm just saying they aren't acting how they should. i'm trying not to let it get to me. hopefully, they'll realize how damaging they are to me and will stop. even if i talk to them, they just see me as weak and useless. i thought they were my friends...guess i was wrong. i'm hoping to spend more time with my friends this weekend to get my mind off things and just have fun. i'm playing in the band at graduation on sunday so that'll be....fun, i guess. summer's almost here! i'm insanely excited for it! 

free.

"i'm running fast and free to You, cause You are the movement and fight in me. I'm running fast and free to You, cause You are my home where I wanna be. come move in me, where I wanna be, come move in me." - Movements by Rend Collective Movement 


i feel like God has something amazing in store for my summer. I don't know what it is, but I'm excited. I miss having joy. I think that when school is over, I will go back to my normal self. I feel so trapped and lonely at school. It's just hard not to feel invisible. It's hard to feel like you're a part of something when people just overlook you and don't give you the time of day. I've been listening to this band lately that I've absolutely adored. They're called Rend Collective Experiment. It's like Mumford & Sons sounding but it's worship music. It's incredible. I've been listening to them when I'm spending time with God because I just feel free and happy when I'm listening to their music. I encourage you to look them up and give them a listen.

to those moments.

do you ever have those moments, where you just forget everything around you, and you focus on the good things? well, i've been doing that lately. it's been nice because i've been able to just not focus on the stress or the crazy things my life contains, but focus on the great things that God has in store for me. i've realized that i've been so afraid of people being gone or leaving me, that i've not stopped to just take things one step at a time. i've been so stressed with school and the end of the school year that i feel like i haven't gotten a chance to catch my breath. all i know is that no one is more ready for school to be done than me. i've had such a hard school year. i have so much to look forward to this summer. i get to just spend time with my friends & family, relax, rest & grow even more in my relationship with Jesus.  i've gone through a lot in my life, and God continue to help me through them all. I know that no matter what the enemy tries to throw at me, that my faith in God and His powerful, wonderful, unfailing love for me will lead me through. I'm victorious through the blood of my Father in Heaven. No matter what, God never fails. He gives us those quiet moments to just sit, pray & rest in the promises that He's made to us and will always keep. so, this post is to those special, precious moments. they're more meaningful than we realize sometimes.

these past few weeks.

hello all. i'm finally back writing on here. i didn't fall off the earth, just so you all know. ;) 

i've been so busy these past few weeks. i've had a lot on my mind lately. i've had a lot happen and take place.

there's this new guy that had been in my Spanish class all year long. i didn't know him very well until second semester when we got moved by each other for a project. about 3 months ago, we finally got to talk and get to know each other. he became the one person that was the light in my day. he was really quiet and to himself, but he would turn and make a quick remark that would make me laugh. about two weeks ago, he told me that he was moving and that he wasn't coming back. he was the one part of my day that never felt lonely or sad. the last day i got to see him was this past Wednesday. we had finished our grammar lesson and we had like 15 minutes to just hang out and talk until it was time to go home. i was sitting in my seat, and he sat in his. we both had finished our homework assignment and so we were just packing our bags. as i was putting my books in my backpack, he said my name and i looked up at him. he asked me how i was and i told him i was alright and i asked him how he was. he told me how he's sad that he's leaving and that he is going home and packing everything up. by the sounds of everything he's told me these past few months, it sounds like his family moves quite frequently. he talked about how much he liked our school district and how he wishes he could stay until he graduates. i told him i wish that could have happened as well. he tells me that i should speak out more because people should hear what i have to say. i smile and before i can say anything, the bell rings. he gets up and walks out the door.  i know it's weird that someone i didn't really know made such an impact on me, but that's how God works sometimes. i couldn't help but tear up, because that one safe person i had is now gone. i only have eight and a half days left, but every single time i go to spanish now, i look at the empty seat next to me and it just triggers a lot of thoughts. i'm not bitter about it because i know that God put him in my life for a significant reason and i'm blessed to have had him in my life, even if it wasn't for very long.

i've also been in the midst of writing a worship song with someone very close to me. he's been there through a lot with me, in the nine months i've known him. he's one of the best guys i've ever known in my entire life. his heart for God is so genuine and real. i absolutely love that, because you can see that through these lyrics. he showed me the lyrics and they just spoke to me very deeply. he then asked if i would want to put music to them and help him finish the song. the next morning, i woke up and went to sit at my piano. i prayed before and told God that i wanted Him to write this song because we want to hear what He has to say to us. within a couple hours, i had the song close to done. God took control and a powerful worship song came out of it. 

i promise i will post more frequently once i'm done with finals and all the cramming that comes with it. i hope you're all doing well.

much love,

- l

loneliness.

loneliness. it's extremely hard. for me, it's whenever i'm at school, when the loneliness hits. the second i walk into the door of my high school, i instantly get a huge headache that last for hours and hours until i get home from school. the enemy likes to think that he can get the best of me at school, because i have no friends and i don't really have anywhere i fit in. all my best friends live 15 minutes away or more, and i don't see them everyday. it's incredibly hard to deal with and it causes a lot of pain and trials. for any of you out there reading this that struggle with this also, know that you're not alone in this. God made us for community, and for relationship. 

So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." - John 13:34-35

Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. - Romans 12:9-10

the thing that's helped me is pictures. in my locker, on my notebooks & binders, i have encouraging words & pictures everywhere to help me. if you let the pain get you down, that's letting the enemy win and have his way. take heart because God has overcome all your troubles.

waiting.

hey everyone. i'm sorry i haven't written in a long time. i have had a whole lot going on lately and i've hardly had any free time. things have been okay lately. my wednesdays, fridays & weekends are amazing, but it's the rest of the week that i struggle. when you have this burning passion for God and you can't hold it in, but you go to a school filled with people that are rude, dark & cynical, it's hard to even think clearly. that's been my big struggle lately. i just want summer to hurry up and get here. i want warm weather, cute clothes, freedom, interning and adventures. i tell you what, i want to just fast forward to the end of may. i don't like spring, except for spring break & easter. it's gonna be even harder this year on Father's Day. it's gonna be terrible. i also deal with loneliness at school. i don't have many friends & there's definitely no one i have any interest in, love wise. loneliness is even harder when the guy you actually really like lives a town far away, and you only see him maybe 2 or 3 times a week. it's also hard when you aren't very good in the whole flirting department. i do what i can. i pray for him every day. i pray protection over him & i pray that God blesses him immensely that day. i pray that if God wants us together, that nothing will come in the way of that. that's where the waiting comes in. a verse that has really helped me is:

"trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6

no matter what, God has amazing things in store for me. i may only be a sophomore in high school, but i feel like i've lived through so many things that an average sophomore hasn't gone through. i'm just praying for strength these next 3 months. it's gonna be really hard.

vday recap.

as all of you know, yesterday was Valentine's Day. earlier this week, i was almost 100% sure that this Valentine's Day was going to be the worst one ever and that i was going to struggle getting through the day. when you're in high school, you get the front row seat to seeing all the theatrics that take place in the lives of high school couples. there's huge teddy bears, chocolate boxes, and flowers galore. i didn't think that i was going to be getting anything at school, because there's no one there that i'm interested in or is interested in me. i have study hall after lunch, which is about half way through my school day. my study hall teacher is pretty chill so i put my earphones in and listened to some Bethel like i usually do. i was feeling pretty depressed and down & out about everything. about halfway through the period, the door opens and one of the office helpers has a bouquet of white orchids in her hand. she asked my teacher who to give these to, and he pointed at me. i was shocked. there aren't words for how surprised i was. i opened the card and it was a really encouraging note that I really needed to here. :) then, someone close to me sent me a text saying happy valentine's day. it was just the sweetest thing in the world. all of it combined turned everything around for me. then, two amazing people showed up bringing me another flower and just making my day even more. :) this whole thing taught me something: God will surprise you and take care of you always, no matter what. you just need to trust him and believe that he'll be right by your side. 

what to do when.. #1

a bunch of you have been asking for advice for different topics, so i picked 5 to do for this post and then i'll be doing more as time goes on. 

1. what do you do when...you've liked someone since 4th grade that you've grown up with, and they have a girlfriend, who isn't right for them?

well, i've definitely been in your shoes. i honestly wish i could tell you that there's an easy solution to this problem, but there's not. there's 3 potential ways to go about this. 

- a. you just move on. you just decide that he's with her for a reason, and that reason must be meaningful enough to make him stay with her. 

- b. you try and break them up and you let the enemy win. you lie and cheat and do all the wrong things just so you know he's single. 

- c. you wait. you be there for him, and just be his best friend. if i've learned anything it's that junior high/high school relationships 99% of the time don't last. the chances of their relationship lasting for much longer is slim, but that doesn't mean you have to intervene and try to "speed up" the process. you may end up losing him, and that's the last thing you want. pray for him, and give it to God. if you cover him in prayer, and are always there when he needs to talk, there's nothing that you are doing wrong on his part.

i know waiting is the worst. it's just terrible & i wish that we didn't have to wait for things to happen. but, sometimes you have to wait because God's gonna teach you something valuable through the time you are waiting. take the time to focus on yourself and find ways to just enjoy the time. I've walked in your footsteps and there will be light at the end of the darkness. 

maturity.

people have always said i am really mature for my age. growing up, i would hang out with my parents and their friends. i would go everywhere and do everything with them. as i've grown older, i guess i've brought that maturity with me. i guess i've taken that maturity and have incorporated it into my life. most of my best friends are older than me, & i like hanging out with an older crowd. after losing my dad this summer, responsibility was really thrown on my plate & i was forced to grow up, whether I wanted to or not. My dad had always told me that my maturity was something that God was going to really use in crucial parts of my life. He said that my age really doesn't match who I am. It's hard for me at times. I also tend to like guys that are a little bit older than me. It's just how I work. 99% of the high school guys that I know arent on the same level that i am. its just how it is. Its really hard, but i honestly am so happy with who god has created me to be. He made me this way and I know he's going to use my maturity in a huge way in the near future. It's just the waiting that is the hard part. I've realized that I am impatient only about things I want terribly, terribly bad. This would be one of those things. But, it will all work in God's timing. I'm just hoping its sooner than later.  

who am I?

who am I? that's something that I was pondering tonight. but you know what? I know 100% who I am. I'm a girl who loves country music, writing, & Maroon 5. but, most importantly, I'm the righteous & holy daughter of Jesus. In His eyes, I'm perfect. There is nothing that could ever separate me from Him. He took the blame for all the bad things I've done and have yet to do. He loves me, more than anyone ever will. He gave me the gift of musical worship and the gift of prophetic dreams. I love reading my Bible, praying to Him, watching iBethel, & spending hours on my keyboard in my room alone with the Father. Hems my number one. He's all that genuinely matters to me. Everything I am and will ever be is because of Him and the blood He shed for my mistakes and my burdens. There is no greater feeling I have than when I am in the midst of Jesus. God is living in me. I feel accepted and loved. God has given me uncontainable, unspeakable joy. His love is so beautiful and it has taken over my heart completely. I've surrendered my life to live to glorify His. But you know what? whether you knew this or not, I am just like you. God gave his life not just for me, but for you as well. He gave his life for everyone. God loves you, just as much as he loves me. He wants you to know that you are loved and that there is nothing that could ever tear you away from Him. You just need to let him in.