on my own.

Recently, I've been going through a lot of changes in my life. Relationships changing and things coming to light that I thought weren't there at all. That is both a good and bad thing. God has told me that I've entered into a season where I need to focus on myself and the specific plans He has for me. That doesn't mean that I need to become self-centered, that just means that I need to focus on Him, and what He wants me to do. It wasn't easy getting here, but I honestly feel incredibly free. It's me and my Abba, simple as that. The song I posted below is from one of my favorite songs at the moment by an amazing powerhouse named Tori Kelly. I absolutely love her song Dear No One because it perfectly describes where I'm at right now. I'm at a place now where I'm starting to get a deeper understanding of the future plans that God has for me. Not everyone in this world is going to like some things I do or choices I make, but honestly, I choose Jesus and what He thinks about me. That beats anything anyone else tries to make me believe. The people who truly love & care about me will be by my side, helping me navigate through these times of transition. I'm not saying that this is a cake walk by any means, because it isn't. There are definitely days where you end up just sitting down and crying out of nowhere. But, I know that in the future, I'm going to look back at this time and know that it was totally worth it. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njmCUJ94lUM

transition.

hello all. I apologize for not posting for a while. every time that I would sit down to try to put a post together, nothing concrete would come out of it. these past few weeks, I've come to the realization that change is always happening. sometimes we don't think we are prepared for it, but God wouldn't throw something at us if we weren't ready for it. right now, I'm experiencing the struggle of people walking out of your life when you thought they had your back. It's not a fun situation at all. But, I can tell that God is using this situation to make me stronger. I've always been the type of person who wants to include everyone and not let anyone feel lonely. That can get tricky sometimes. Thankfully, God has given me a support system to talk to & pray with. God created us for community, but He never said it would be a walk in the park. Relationships are a two way street and require both people to work at it. You also can't only have one friend. It's possible to have a couple genuine, real best friends. It's all a very complex thing and can get very frustrating. God will lead us in the right direction and we, as His children, need to allow ourselves to follow Him, regardless of what we think is right. If I were to title these past 3 months, I would call it "in transition". I know God is leading me into a new season of rest and growth. He's showing me who I can truly rely on and trust, so when I begin entering into this new season, I will know who He wants me to have by my side. I've conquered a lot of things in my life already, and I know I'm going to conquer many more things in the future. The only way I was able to conquer it was by the supernatural strength that God has given me. I am so excited for the future God has for me. I'm going to run after it and give it all that I have. 

trying to let it go.

well, the whole loneliness issue i dealt with a few months ago is starting to come back into play in the wonderful game called my life. i guess things just aren't exactly ideal at the moment. people think that they know what's best for me and that they should make decisions for me. but the truth is, the decisions i make are my decisions. if i have to make any huge decision, i always make sure God is the one leading the path, even if it's not what i want at the moment. we went through boxes of my dad's things this past weekend and it really shook me up. sometimes things just don't go as planned, and those are the moments where your faith is most tested. i can feel the enemy trying to get at me. he's speaking lies in my head to where it's just making me feel crazy. one of my closest friends has been distant lately. she's been spending most of her time with her other friend. it would take a lot for that to upset me regularly, but something about that has really got to me. school continues to be a struggle. the one friend i do have, i never get to really see and that makes it even more tough. i'm trying to figure this all out, and the only way that i can truly do that successfully, is if i give it all to God. to completely let everything go and trust that He, the provider and healer, will take care of everything.  it's way harder than it actually sounds. people at school think that i don't have anything to say and that i'm just this perfect little church girl. i'm here to tell you that statement is far from true. i mess up...a lot. i guess what sets me apart from people at my school is that i rely totally and completely on God. i ask Him for clarity and wisdom. most of the kids at my school either don't care or don't understand what God's about. believe me, i'm trying each and every day to change that. i just ask for your continued prayers as i continue to make my way through junior year. it's been a rough few weeks and i'm trying to let go of all my pain & hurt. 

decisions.

"i thought you said it was easy listening to your heart. i thought you said i'd be okay, so why am i breaking apart? i don't wanna be torn."

that lyric is so true. sometimes you're at a crossroad, and no matter what road you choose, someone you care about deeply is going to get hurt. that is a hard situation. i tend to worry about what everyone else wants, not always what i want. i'm always making sure everyone else is okay before i worry about myself. that is not always a good thing to do. i'm trying to figure out a lot right now, and i've just been praying for clarity. i feel like i need to change some areas in my life, because there's more harm than good in those situations. the first and most important thing to do in situations like this are of course to pray and ask God for clarity. after that, you just need to make sure you don't make an illogical or spur the moment decision that you'll regret later. that never ends well. sometimes you just need to trust that God will ultimately have your back and whatever decision you make, he'll guide you through it. 

reflection.

as i'm preparing to start my junior year of high school, i wanted to reflect & look back on this summer and everything that took place. summer 2013 was not at all what i thought it was going to be. it had definite ups and downs, but i've grown tremendously. 3 months ago, i thought i knew who my real friends were & what my priorities were but now, i realized that those were simply my thoughts, not what God really had in store. i've had to say goodbye to people that i didn't think i ever would have to, and i've grown apart from others. but i've also made some amazing new friends, and i've gotten super close to others. God has also given me new opportunities to expand my worship leading, and that has given me such joy & new found confidence. through those opportunities, I've really been sensing that there is a very specific call on my life. i'm excited to find out more from God on what all he has in store for me. something that has really been a blessing this summer is that i've gotten to spend it with my best friend Krista. it's crazy how 3 years ago, we did not even know each other. but, she's my person. when it boils down to it, we spend every single day together and it's amazing. i've also loved interning under the communications team at my church. it's been the best thing ever. i guess the main thing that this summer has taught me is that people may walk in and out of my life, but my God will always be there to love and support me through anything.

so, here's to you, summer 2013. it's been quite a wild ride but we made it through. 

finally.

she gets in the car, thinking that it'll be another day at work. there will be more copies to be made, more things to be folded, and more tasks to accomplish. but all the sudden, things change. little does she know, she has a huge surprise in store for her. she has lunch with her two best friends, and as they're driving back, they take a detour. she loves going to this park with all these pretty flowers and gorgeous scenery. they pull into the parking lot and they walk down to the park. as they are about to walk into the main part of the park, her friends stop her and tell her that there's something waiting for her. she's walk down the path and looks around. she turns around and finally...there he is. she had been wondering what he was going to do when he asked her. but, she had no idea it would be like this. they sit in a little gazebo next to each other. the sky is clear and the sun is shining bright. she looks at him and can see that he's a little nervous. she smiles and he begins to talk to her. they talk and finally, he jumps. he takes a risk. he finally tells her how he feels. she looks at him and she tells him that he feels the same. her heart races a million beats a minute and they hug. finally, the girl who thought she'd always finish last...didn't. 

well, i'm happy to tell you that the story above isn't a made-up story or beautiful idea. it's real. it happened. for the longest time, i had put what i thought i wanted before what i actually wanted. i pushed away someone that i actually needed a whole lot. after praying and praying about this, i felt God give me a clear cut path on what to do. ever since this happened this week, things have just been so good. God has just restored my joy and has given me so much peace. i'm excited for my future and what God has in store for my life. :)

genuine friends.

in life, sometimes you experience some heart break and some pain. last night, i had a hard conversation with someone very close to me. it caused a lot of heartache and pain. it was one of the hardest phone calls that i've ever had. it felt like i was trying to breathe underwater. but you know what God did in this situation? he had this all happen while 4 of the most amazing, loyal friends in the entire world were hanging out at my house. they just loved on me and spoke words of life into me. this just goes to show you how much the Father adores his kids and is always providing for us. God promises us that he will help us. Romans 15:13 says "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust Him. then, you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." He also says in Isaiah 46:4, "I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you." God won't let us crash and burn. He loves us too much to let that happen. Even though my heart is fragile right now, I know I'll be okay. God's love is enough. It's truly enough. God puts people in our lives for different reasons, and last night proved that. it didn't make the pain any less hard, but it definitely helped me process it all. plus, we had an amazing night together. we played a very intense game of croquet, made skillet cookies with a partner and we could only use 1 hand each, had a crazy Wii tournament, danced outside to loud music, and laughed the whole time. thank you guys for loving me and being there no matter what :) i love you all so much. you all are such a blessing in my life.